| Just frustrated today |
[Apr. 30th, 2008|10:52 pm] |
It's a day where you just want to sit there and pretend you aren't where you are in your life right now. I woke up at 6 today wondering why the hell I keep doing this. I get up, hour later I'm our the door to walk to the bus stop to get to work, freeze my ass off resulting in half-assed effort at work then hop on a bus again home.
-I can't have nice things. No, really, that's bugging me today, may not be so true, but I feel like it is.
-I cringe and roll my eyes whenever I hear my boss talking.
-Something in the staff rooms smells horrid and it's been there since Monday. I couldn't have coffee today.
-The office is cold, I wore my coat all day. All I really wanted was something warm to drink. Tomorrow I'll go to the cafe and buy overpriced stuff.
-I pinched a nerve in both my hands, my left one tingles all the time.
-Supermarkets and drugstores suddenly have a limited selection of tampons. What the hell is that???
-I can't get to bed at a decent hour anymore, I should be asleep now.
-Why do none of the kids at school dye their hair unnatural colors? I have seen maybe 5 kids that don't look like they're part of one gigantic group of friends. It's freaking scary some days. Today, I starred at one kidded with my mouth hanging open because he had a ponytail. He's the only guy I've seen with hair past his ears at this school.
-I have no idea if I'm moving or not. I think the roof is fixed, but, can I get another roommate? That room is fucking tiny! What the hell is my roommate doing when the lease is up? I don't know, dicking about apparently.
-There's a sub for my yoga class and I don't think we get along.
-The president said American agriculture is doing well. Fuck him. Seriously. Real agriculture? Real farming? Is not doing well, at all. Delusional fool.
Ugh, I need a break. Just a day off or something. Aghhhhh. |
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[Apr. 24th, 2008|08:31 pm] |
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Ok weird dream...
I had a dream that there was a movie playing in Schnectady I was gonig to see it and meet up with a friend of mine. I took a subway there (uh, nearest subway is NYC) and it was in this weird other subway stop that was a really tiny movie theater and to get to it, I had to run through a really creepy neighborhood for a couple blocks. The theater had bright red walls and black stairs and black doors and the screen wasn't very big. Anyway, it was a silent film but had a music soundtrack and it was about letters, and it was shorts about thier content. The one I remember was animation. It was a guy riding a paper in a airplane.
A few of my co-workers and I think some other people from Albany were watching it.
Too bad my friend didn't show up. Sounds like an interesting movie though. |
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[Apr. 21st, 2008|12:10 am] |
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Note to self: Bedtime should be before midnight, not after.
Weekend highlight: Old guy possibly watching grandkids at waterfront park saying I was beautiful and that he liked my ponytail (ooook) and proceded to talk about me (to me?) while I was 20 feet away and still walking.
Albany is an odd place.
Ok, this does not say a whole lot of good about my weekends.
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[Apr. 15th, 2008|10:20 pm] |
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I got an email this afternoon.
It was an informal acceptance letter to UAlbany.
I am going to grad school.
Holy crap, I'M going to grad school!
Eeeeek!!!!!
Dear god, I won't have a life anymore!
(Yes, I do have one thankyouverymuch!) Ah! |
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[Apr. 14th, 2008|08:51 pm] |
It's gotten funny being around conversations involving sex. It's just damn hilarious. Most of you know why, I'm going on oooh... 17 months, now? I think that's right, eh, give or take a month. Seriously, what people consider a dry spell make me nearly shoot my drink out my nose. And it's no big deal. What is the freaking obsession? I know the relationship expression of love bladdie blah, but otherwise? One night stands? Just not worth it to me, I'm annoyed too easily (yes, I can see myself booting some guy out b/c he said something dumb). On the relationship side, I just don't want to deal with all that fucking puppy love bullshit now. I miss parts of a relationship, and over time I'm missing a little more, but it's still not enough for me, not yet. I'm not ready to settle down, yet I'm not into screwing around. Hell, Saturday I didn't stop to talk to a guy because I felt he was staring at me too long before he said hi. It was like how a hungry dog stares at steak. I was starting to wonder if there was something hanging out of my nose or that I smelled like BBQ sauce. Not exactly the look I was going for, especially near the dog park (right before I saw you, Jess!).
I've gotten picky. I've spent way too much time thinking I could make relationships work that shouldn't have happened anyway, ones that ended way before breaking up. I'm not doing that again. It may bite me in the ass once in awhile, but I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than marry a guy I convinced myself I loved. I've seen that happen to people very close to me and have seen enough where I will do anything so that's not my life.
I don't want to stay here either, it's not like I'm moving tomorrow, but eventually I will. I know not everyone my age wants to settle down here, but I want to go where I want to live, where my job is going to be. If I can't do that, then I want to be damn sure I love the person and that I'd rather be with them than without.
So if the hypothetical other half shows up, great, but I'm not looking for him. Not yet. |
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[Apr. 10th, 2008|08:47 pm] |
Can someone tell me when exactly did my roommate finish off the sweetened lime juice I bought? To go with the rum that I bought, that's thankfully still here.
I screwed up majorly with my second job. I'm not sure what's going to happen with that, but from how I see it, I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing and was going my assumption (don't ever, ever, do that again for anything ever).
Agh. |
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[Apr. 5th, 2008|06:21 pm] |
So my TV works now??? I just plugged it in after being left in the 3 season room all winter and it works. Stayed on for 15 minutes then I turned it off.
Wow, I have a TV now.
Adam and I now have something else to fight about. Where the hell are we going to put this thing?
If it stays working, I can get a console of some kind.
Maybe I'll just leave it in the back room for now, we might not renew out lease, so why fight about it?
I have the back windows open a crack for the second time this spring. I have both like and dislike at how it reminds me that I do live in a small city. There were three boys that sneaked into out back yard. I was watching them playing ball, talking, just being kids. I watched them get back out, from a loose part of the fence. Now it's one of those things where I wonder if it's even worth telling anyone about because they're just kids, they weren't causing any harm and they were just playing. On the other hand, if the kids can get back there, then anybody can. Also, peoples' dogs can get out or a mean stray can get in. The park is also one the other side of the building. Knowing this, I'll probably say something next time I see the contractor. Uh, it makes me feel like a tool but the park is right there and it's safe.
I'm also hearing heliocopters heading to the hospital and a couple cars. It reminds me of when I went to college, when I realized there's so much more meaning in opening the windows in spring, you can hear people again.
The yoga studio had a tea party for teachers and volunteers, it was really nice and I knew a few people there. One person from school, another from knitting and two of the teachers. Whoa. I'm always stunned when I see people I know. It always surprises me when I can say I know people here. And I still want to make more friends! Hell, the only time I didn't want to make new friends was when I was graduating and moving away, but that was more resisting unavoidable change than not wanting new friends. But I'm really awkward when I meet new people, I either become hyper and talk and talk or get really shy and quiet. It depends on the people, some I feel I have a lot of things in common with so I can talk about whatever and others I feel I don't have as much in common with (or I think they're really cool and/or smart), so I'll be quiet so I won't say something stupid. So making new friends can be difficult. |
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[Apr. 2nd, 2008|11:47 pm] |
I saw a rainbow yesterday, funny, I don't remember the last time I saw one. When was the last time I checked for them? I was walking to the yoga studio and Bill caught up to me, so we walked together for awhile. I found out my old boss and friend from 'PIRG is interning here for couple months. Bill knows her too, part of the reason we got together was my bosses inviting his office down. And as we walked by the Lake View house, a woman standing on her porch shouted out "there it is! Look, a rainbow! See it?" Sure enough, just barely visible over the gray sky, a rainbow.
Makes me feel like things are going to be ok, way I'm going I'll be fine. Nice to be reassured now and then by your own gut.
I mailed my application today. I'm glad, I was sick of looking at it, thinking about it and letting it loom over my head. Procrastinating is such a nasty habit. We'll see what happens.
To celebrate getting off my ass, I bought ribbon for the straps on my boots (the strap says 'vegetarian shoes' on them, don't like it) and pink sugar skull fabric. I found a ton of other fabric I would just love to have. I don't sew much, but now and then I see fabric I like and hoard it. I was thinking pajama pants with the skull fabric. When the day comes and I get a sewing machine I'll make them.
The red shawl is almost done. So far I have a so-so feeling about it. I'll have to see it off the needles, maybe block it (wash and pin it down to dry so it holds a better shape) for an official verdict. |
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[Mar. 27th, 2008|10:40 pm] |
3 letters of recomendation-check!
1 transcript-check!
GRE scores sent ahead-check!
1 application-check!
1 $75 check that I will never see again no matter what happens-check! (ow)
1 personal statement-well, rewrite is half done.
D'oh! I'm finishing that this weekend. If I have time at work, I'll work on it there too.
Am I second guessing? Am I wondering if this is really what I want? You bet your ass. |
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[Mar. 23rd, 2008|07:04 pm] |
Taxes are done, I'm not getting a lot back but it's better than owing. I always miss the same stupid deduction because I never finish reading the instructions.
I need to get the studio paperwork done tonight, and email all the problems that came up in just the last week to the right people. Good God, they're all stupid problems too. If someone just did what they were supposed to, these wouldn't be an issue. I have one woman that swore she bought a prepaid card in January. It's the freaking card she just used. Hello, look at the damn date. Then I have a sheet with two unknown payments, why aren't people checking the sheets before they leave? They have the money, the can figure out who paid that day, not me. Since it's only Sunday, I think this means I'm being stalked by a case of the dumb this week. |
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| More adventurous |
[Mar. 22nd, 2008|06:56 pm] |
I opened a coconut today. By myself. I am freaking exhausted. I even took a nap today, and I'm tired. Holy crap that was a mental and physical workout. Next time I'm stressed or angry at the world, bust open a coconut. $2.50 vs $250 for therapy and at least I can eat something at the end. It makes a glorious mess that's pretty easy to clean up.
I need to do my taxes tonight, it's been bugging me too much lately, I need to get it done and over with. The personal statement also needs to be done, I'm waiting on one reference letter from a co-worker and that's it, the application gets shipped out after that. With my tax return, I plan on paying off what's left of my baby student loan, it's become so itty-bitty, so close to being paid off, but still a little too much for me to pay off all at once. I might get another tattoo with what's left over. Bushy said to spend the $600 were getting, so might as well keep it local. The rest will be spend on school, if I get in, if I don't, eventual moving expenses.
The red yarn my mom gave me for my birthday is being knitted into a shawl. Hopefully I have enough yarn, I'm on the second ball, so we'll see at the end.
I've decided this year to torture myself and buy a bathing suit. Last one I bought was like, er, 6 years ago? And it didn't last long, it got jammed into the back of the dresser in such a spot the back became threadbare from opening the drawers. I'm going to brave trying on a couple two pieces. I'm 25, in another 6 years I might be pushing a baby out of my tender parts, thus throwing my yoga-ized body out the window. The time for the teeny-weeny polka-dot bikini is now, people!
I broke down and called the landlord about the roof (yes, the freaking roof that's been leaking since day one and I've been too stupid to demand a rent reduction). He called back and left a message saying they were getting a guy on the roof on Tuesday. In other words, another estimate, the contractor told me he had three guys up there last fall and didn't like any of their estimates. You bet your ass I'm calling Wednesday (Tue's is yoga day, no time) to find out what's going on. |
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[Mar. 19th, 2008|11:09 pm] |
On a whim, I bought a new dress. Now that I'm sitting around in it, I realize it shows off my bra. *Sigh.* Hello boobs, hope you're enjoying the air.
Thank you designer, for making a cut for curvy women with a neckline for skinny girls. No wonder it was on sale. I'm sick of wearing camisoles and tank top with every freaking summer blouse and dress! Wake up and make the damn clothes right!
I did find this and am tempted buy one in damn near every color because this happens way to often with dress and blouses. It has nothing to do with size either, it's just too low and wide. Pick one a stick with it, don't do both!
Maybe if I sew the neckline a little, but that might look weird. Or slap a piece of fabric in there. Ugh. |
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[Mar. 18th, 2008|11:46 pm] |
When they say romance is dead it suddenly springs back to life a horribly awkward zombie without any teeth trying to gum its way to your brains.
I quick overnight trip downstate filled me in on my love life, apparently I've been comatose and haven't noticed anything.
One of my friends came up to visit a few weeks ago, and afterwards told apparently as many mutual friends as possible his feelings for me and has a delusion that I feel the same. I certainly do not and I don't know what made him think this. Knowing what people tend to think of the object of their affection, I was a bit, well, skeeved out. I've been friends with this guy for years, no interest there, y'all, made obvious by the rhetorical outburst of questioning my sanity.
See? I'm graceful and tactful!
It was thought best that I don't address the situation directly. I think just about everyone now knows due to my ladylike reaction, news travels fast when you act like a lunatic.
At the same party, a friend asked what happened with her roommate since he seemed to really like me. It didn't bother me as much cause well, I liked him too, but it ended up one of those things that just trail off. Those things that don't have a name because it's so awkward no one wants to be associated with it. She asked if I wanted her to say something to him, but I thought best to leave it be, if I go back to school that's 5 months away and I seriously doubt I can maintain school, work, and a relationship. And I'm not interested in short term from that far away. Oh well.
Finally, we come to last night. Where my roommate decided I was too helpless to ask for a guy's phone number by myself and started miming and mouthing to ask for his number, while sitting on the other side of a round table.
Um, I wasn't interested and well, now that's awkward and a bit embarrassing for everyone isn't it?
Everyone seems to be sick of me being single.
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[Mar. 10th, 2008|11:55 pm] |
I've got 2 of 3 ref. letters back. I still need to re-write my statement, I feel like what I want to say is there, but I'm intimidated. What if I say the wrong thing? Or say too much or not enough or it just comes out wrong? Argh!!!! I still have days where I just want to hide under the bed or table because I'm sure no one likes me. It's stupid, but it's just what my brain does.
Speaking of not liking me, a local friend de-friended me on Facebook. I don't know what to think of it, might not have been on purpose, but if it is, a bit passive-aggressive there, don't ya think? Oh well, she thought I had something against fat people anyway (I don't, I just make fat jokes, which are, apparently, lost to those who don't know me that well).
Some guy missing all his front teeth felt the need to tell me I was gorgeous this morning and not to let anyone tell me any different. Oddly enough, I wasn't that weirded out by it. It doesn't happen every day, but it was more nice than weird. This mean I'm becoming a city girl?
Keep in mind, this will involve lots of covering my ears and singing loudly during any and all future confrontations. "I'm pretty damn it! Toothless possibly drunk guy said so! Lalala-lalala-laaaaaaa!!!!!!"
The weather is getting so close to breaking 50F (about 34C). Spring is soooo close!!! I'm excited that now I just have to wear my winter coat and my boots (not warm enough in the morning for chucks yet). No hat or gloves or thermals, just the coat. So lovely.
I want to take up hiking. I walk everywhere, I don't go too far though, cause well, I don't want to smell by the time I get to where I"m going. But I'll go down to the Riverfront and hang around there for a bit. I walked to the pet store near UAlbany, but bussed it back (too hot). Don't know how far either of those are. |
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| Should I be offended? |
[Mar. 5th, 2008|09:20 pm] |
My roommate has a guest for dinner. He gave me the impression that I was also invited to eat with them; when thinking about what to serve, he said "you'll eat that" in reference to a sauce (which, I wouldn't, but that's a whole other ball field). So fine, not in the mood, but whatever. They make dinner, he decided on a pasta and scrimp dish and a kale side, which he assured me was vegetarian. (I'm not alone in the assumption that I was included here with prior knowledge of my diet, right?)
Should I be offended that a whole box of pasta, that was cooked separately, was dumped on the already cooked shrimp sauce and I was offered to eat "as much of the kale as (I) want?" It's practically fucking salad. At 9pm, and it's not summer. Yeah, I really want to eat just fucking greens for dinner.
Maybe I'm just used to other people putting a bowl of plain pasta aside for me. I don't know. I'm trying to think of other meals I had with non-vegetarian/vegans that knew well in advance I'm vegetarian. I don't think any of them were like "oh you can have the salad." I've had meals consist of just sides, I've made my own meals out of sides, so it's not that.
If he changed his mind about including me, that's fine, but say so. I'm also still pissed about the other sauce that I wouldn't eat, but that is kind of my fault. Ya see, there's sausage in it. I've eaten it twice with the meat taken out. I think of it as realistic, American culture isn't vegetarian friendly, many cultures aren't. However, this is something I don't want to do often, after awhile, what's the point? So I only do it for people I like or when I have to eat and there's absolutely no other option. I felt like he was taking advantage of that. I don't care if he doesn't include me, but don't if it's too damn complicated for you to come up with something that can be made meatless.
So right now, I'm hungry. I'm getting light headed, I'm ticked and I'm not eating because I don't want to make a scene, but I'm not eating the kale because I'm fucking insulted.
So tell me, am I right to be offended that the only thing offered to me was a kale side dish while the other two ate a more substantial meal? Or am I being a drama queen? |
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[Mar. 4th, 2008|05:06 pm] |
Spring needs to get here pronto, just for the sake of being able to open the bathroom window. Eeeeew!
My reference packets where sent off today. Ooooh boy, now I'm really in process of applying finally. In the meantime, my statement needs an overhaul. I should break down and visit the school that's a whole walk through the park and across the street away. No really, it's that close to my apartment. I can't tell which building is which though from the park side, which is the library? I don't know.
I still need to do my taxes and pick up a New York tax booklet, for some reason that one didn't get to me, but federal did. I just haven't had time to sit there and get it done.
Just to put it out there, $18,999.28. There you go, Internets, that's what I made last year. Most of y'all feel better now? Me, I'm a bit perplexed, how did I not live on a diet of ramen? Oh yeah, didn't do anything, didn't really go anywhere. I didn't even leave the state. I haven't left the state in years. Well, the bus did go through NJ on the way to NYC, but that doesn't really count at all. So far this year has been easier, I'm paid a little more and have my serverely part time job too. One of my loans will be paid off this spring, so it's getting a little better.
I'm not complaining loudly here, I know I'm lucky for what I have, there are those that aren't doing as well, some even with kids.
I'm knitting a bib for the expecting librarian, her shower is in a couple weeks, so I need to bust my ass if I'm going to do a matching burping cloth. Or I'll just buy a onesie or a toy or something. So what's holding me up? Snowball's Chance in Hell, that's what. It's going to take me forever to finish, I'll you that right now. |
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[Feb. 29th, 2008|08:35 pm] |
My third professor agreed to write a letter! And he sounded so wonderfully positive! Sofreakinghappy!!!!!
Tomorrow I'm getting the yoga statements to the studio to make room on my desk for the packets I need to put together for all my references.
Even though my first prof. told me yes if there's no one else, I asked for him to write a letter. I know that isn't the best answer, but I don't have that many options. Every other professor was just one class. About half of them where either lectures of 50-100 students or professors that I do NOT want to write for me. He was more doubtful of the letter being good because of my grades (C+ in both his classes).
Overall, I'm happy with these two. I admired both of them and never doubted their knowledge in the subject or grading policy, nor have I questioned why they where there.
Thanks to a co-workers help, I'll be finishing a baby bib for a shower gift for the pregnant librarian. I might make the burping cloth to match, I think I'll have enough yarn left over.
I have a corner of my room that doesn't have anything on the walls. I've dug through some of the stuff I have, and none of it is really what I want over my bed. I don't really want to shop for decor, but I don't want to look at plain white walls while I'm bitching at the alarm clock plug for falling out of the outlet because I live in a crap hole.
Anyway, it's snowing again. Crap. As much as I like sweaters and scarfs, I want to wear an f*ing skirt thanks. Ugh, another month and it will at least be tolerable weather. |
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| reference letters. the stuff dreams are made of. or battered by. |
[Feb. 27th, 2008|08:21 pm] |
One of my two selected professors returned my email. His reply was pretty much in the range of if no one else will do it, he will. Provided I can send a couple of my papers I wrote for his classes.
The other hasn't replied and I'm disappointed. However, she only knows my work from my first three semesters at school, so maybe it's a good thing.
So I have to track down another professor. I have one in mind, he remembered me after the class was over and I have told him I was considering grad school (in which he promptly freaked about my grammar since it for English at the time). Side note: comma splices are the bane of my existence. My grade was higher than the first professor's classes, so hopefully this prof. will more willing to write.
Maybe I should ask another librarian to write for me?
Oy. |
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| procrastination dance |
[Feb. 25th, 2008|08:37 pm] |
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My personal statement still isn't finished. What the hell? *Clunks side of head* Did something break up there? Or have my powers of procrastination increased tri-fold? I do have an excuse for not working on it this weekend (other than watching girls skate in circles while pushing each around with Jess and Dan). MS office 2007 expired. I had a 90 day trial, and uh, forgot. For evaluation purposes, 90 days was all I needed, Office '07 sucks. Microsoft changed the toolbar and it's an awful change. It was less user friendly and more program-points-finger-at-your-head-and-repeatedly-asks-if-this-is-bugging-you friendly. Seriously MS, what's wrong with you? It's like you forget you have an update due out until the last minute. Yeah, I know, I should talk. I eventually got used to it, but come on.
Where was I? Oh yeah, personal statement, not done. I need something similar for one of my references. Why I want to get my MSIS and what area I plan on going into.
There was a staff meeting today discussing what's being noted in the review. One of these two things are the lack of tempeture control; mainly for the collection and archives, but it still counts. The other noted the low pay of the support staff. Holy crap. Thank you, whoever noted that, we are indeed underpaid. And cold. Underpaid and cold? When did it turn into The Office version of Les Mis?
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